Idiots Guide: Top 5 Reasons to Avoid Prison

There is one piece of good news for anybody who might actually desire the experience of incarceration. In the United States anyway, prisoners aren’t actually fed only ‘bread and water’. Everything else is pretty damn awful. This list uses some humor to illustrate five primary reasons to avoid being a distinguished guest at the ‘Big House’.

prison man

#5. It’s Overcrowded. The Worst Kind of Brady Bunch.

Prison populations in the United States have increased 1000% in the past 20 years. Therefore the best you can hope for is to be the 3rd person in a two man cell, that isn’t really suitable for one man. Then there’s the ever present danger of one, or all of you, suffering from chronic flatulence. However, more than likely you’ll end up in a reconfigured gym or locker room with bunk beds stacked to the ceiling. No safety of a cell. No privacy. What could go wrong? prison crowded.jpg

#4. You’ll Have to Become a Racist. 

If you weren’t a racist before your 1st day in the hoosegow, you’ll have to adopt the ‘race card’ into your deck. Apparently, prison society is self segregated along racial lines, and you have to align with members of your specific race, if that is, you’d like to survive. If you’re bi-racial, choose wisely, my suggestion? Go with the largest represented group of which you might qualify. No, you can’t just make up a race like Tiger Wood’s did.  ‘Cabalinasian’ doesn’t qualify as a race. No, it doesn’t matter if you’re a white guy who acts like a black guy. You’re just going to have to learn to hate the other races. It’s a matter of self preservation. Upon conviction, start brushing up on your inner bigot.

daffy duck racist.jpg

#3. ‘No’ doesn’t mean ‘No’. You’re probably going to be ‘Violated’.

Sadly, I don’t think that there’s any amount of practicing proper soap handling techniques, that is going to save you from, well, you know.  Prison is a place where men who behave badly, come together and often  behave unspeakably. You might be able to talk your way out of it, but it’s not likely. You could fight it, but then again, that might make it worse.

prison rape

#2. Drinking Coffee with Charles Manson.

When you are free to walk the streets, it’s easy to avoid and/or escape the clutches of the ‘crazies’. In prison? That person might be your cellmate. How are you going to Houdini yourself out of that situation? Dealing with the chronic halitosis suffering, mentally unstable, delusional crack-pot,  is another skill you must acquire. Immediately upon incarceration.

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#1. You’re Might Have to Shank Someone…(To Death). 

Inevitably, whether it happens as a result of any of the aforementioned issues, self-defense, or any awful thing that you can think of; there might come a time when you have to shank someone to death in a duel. The problem with that is you’ll probably get much more time in prison, maybe even an entire lifetime. It’s a vicious cycle. Advice: Avoid prison!

'Awww, dude... that's like my dream shank.'

This was an attempt at humor aimed at a very serious issue. There are several morals to this story, but the main idea is, avoid prison at all costs.





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