Idiots Guide: Top 5 Break-Up Excuses

Disclaimer: This guide consists of proven methods and/or tactics in the art of breaking off a relationship. However, for these practices to work at 100% efficiency, requires a certain amount of ‘moral flexibility’. Not in  breaking the law, just the occasional willingness to overlook certain excepted practices in politeness. Some people refer to them as ‘White Lies‘. You say ‘tomato‘,  I say ‘tomato‘. Trust us, the show must go on, and on.


#5. ‘It’s Not You…Actually it is you’.

If you were to be completely honest with yourself, each time you’ve used the tired idiom ‘It’s not you it’s me.’ What you really meant to say is ‘You’re not the right person for me, and I don’t feel good about telling you exactly why, because it will probably hurt your feelings’. We advise telling your soon to be ex-romantic interest the truth. The truth about how their idiosyncrasies, whatever they may be, and how many of them there are, drive you bananas. You couldn’t possibly see yourself having to deal with them for any finite amount of time, let alone infinite. This is also known as the hard truth of the matter. It cuts right to the heart of the issue and you will both be better people because of it. So just do it.

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#4. ‘I’m leaving the country’.

If the cold hard truth isn’t your cup of tea, then we suggest using an unfortunate situation that calls for you to leave the country. For an indefinite amount of time. Unfortunately, your uncle Desmond has been detained on political corruption charges in Bolivia. He’s requested that you fly there and help him in his hour of need. It’s all hands on deck for uncle Desmond, and as it turns out, your hands are tied. You have to leave town, and there’s no telling when you’ll be back. It’s an airtight excuse, besides the relationship was never strong enough to justify  exorbitant cell phone roaming charges from South America.

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#3. ‘I’m struggling with my sexual identity’.

This excuse works to serve two or more issues, primarily, it helps explain why you haven’t been interested in sex with your partner lately. It also helps to explain why the sex hasn’t been enjoyable the few times you worked up the nerve to actually have it. The current socio-political atmosphere is condusive to making such a claim, which provides a perfect opportunity for you to ‘examine your true self’ sans demonization. In the meantime, unfortunately you will not be able to continue your current relationship. It just wouldn’t be fair.


#2. ‘I’ve volunteered to help colonize Mars’.

Hear us out. In 2013, over 200,000 people applied to become pioneer inhabitants of Mars. You were one of them. The settlement expedition is slated for 2025, and none of the volunteers are ever expected to return to earth. Ever. Therefore it wouldn’t be fair to continue to cultivate any kind of serious relationship. Unless of course they’re planning on coming with you, which is impossible since they never applied to begin with. If they persist in questioning your motive(s). Simply remind them that ‘Adventurous’ was clearly stated on your dating profile.


#1. ‘I’m converting to Vegetarianism’.

Far fetched you say? Not really when you consider how important the experience of sharing a meal is to a relationship.You explain that you’ve recently had a transcendent emotional experience while eating a cheesesteak sandwich. The surprising, and sudden projectile vomit that followed, instilled in you, a profound hatred of all things meat, and consequently meat eaters. Which is a serious problem for the relationship. You understand that your partner is a card carrying carnivore with an unholy lust for foie gras. Staying in this relationship will only torment your soul and theirs. This cannot stand. It’s been fun. vegan-label



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