Idiots Guide: NBA ‘Alien’ All-Star Team

 

Disclaimer: This list was compiled in light hearted fun, and in no way seeks to demean or denigrate these athletes. It simply highlights some of the more uniquely humorous aesthetic qualities of these ball players.

So you were interested in putting together a team of players that resemble ‘aliens’ you say? A group of ballers who’s facial make-up strongly resembles ‘little green men’, and/or beings whose planetary origins may be in question? Then these are the ‘droids’ you’ve been looking for. Oh, wait. These are the men you’ve been looking for. These ballers graced NBA arenas, and entertained fans with their performances, as well as their ‘unique’ mugs. Truth be told, this team would probably hold it’s own against their fairer looking contemporaries. A decent backcourt anchored by a talented, and imposing front court.

Guard: Sam Cassell  / 1993 – 2009 

New Jersey Nets v Sacramento Kings

Sam Cassell was a 3 time NBA Champion including back to back titles with the Houston Rockets early in his career. He holds a 15.7 point per game career average. He also got around, playing for 8 different teams in a 15 year career.

Guard: Nick Van Exel / 1993 – 2006 

Van Exel past Grant

Nick Van Exel is currently the  head coach of the Texas Legends in the NBA D-League. He holds a 14.4 points per game career average. An NBA All-Star in 1998 as well as being named to the NBA All-Rookie Second Team in 1994.

Guard/Small Forward: Tony Snell /  2013 – 

Screen Shot 2016-02-12 at 6.53.44 PM

Tony Snell was the Chicago Bulls 20th overall pick in the 2013 NBA draft out of the University of New Mexico. His connection to the town of Roswell is unclear.

Small Forward: Donyell Marshall / 1994 – 2009 

Screen Shot 2016-02-12 at 6.54.20 PM

Donyell Marshall played for 8 different teams during his NBA career, all of them on the planet earth as far as we know. He was named to the NBA All-Rookie Second Team in 1995. He is currently an assistant coach at the University at Buffalo. 

Small Forward: Scottie Pippen / 1987 – 2004 

pippen

Scottie Maurice Pippen was a great pro basketball player in his own right, however he will always be known as ‘Robin’ to Michael Jordan’s ‘Batman’ as a member of the legendary, and record setting 6 time NBA Champion Chicago Bulls teams.  His career accomplishments are consistent with his Hall of Fame membership. Including 3 time All-NBA First Team, 8 time NBA All-Defensive First Team, NBA steals leader in 1995, and a member of the NBA’s 50th Anniversary All-Time Team. So what if he looked like an alien extra from Star Trek?

Power Forward: Tyrone Hill / 1990 – 2004 

Tyrone-Hill

Tyrone Hill was the eleventh overall selection of The Golden State Warriors in the 1990 NBA draft. He played for 14 years and was an All-Star in 1995. It is rumored that his face was an effective tool in his defensive arsenal, but that has not been confirmed as of yet.

Power Forward: Ronald ‘Popeye’ Jones / 1992 – 2004 

popeye-jones

Ronald ‘Popeye’ Jones  Played for 12 seasons in the NBA, none of which were noteworthy. He did have a game where he snagged 28 rebounds while with the Mavericks during the 1995-96 season, which is still a record. The good news is that he has a face only a mother could love. That’s at least one other human being, right? 

Power Forward/Center: Bryant ‘Big Country’ Reeves / 1995 – 2001 

bryant-reeves

Bryant ‘Big Country’ Reeves played an injury plagued 6 years in the NBA. He was as his nickname would suggest, ‘big’ at 7 feet and 300 pounds, he was not easy to push around in the paint. He was also straight out of central casting, if you were looking for a stand-in for a ‘Big Foot’ character. Perhaps he has a future in show business.

Power Forward: Dennis Rodman / 1986 – 2000 

dennis_rodman 2

What can you say about Dennis Rodman that hasn’t been screamed before? The facts say that he played for 5 teams in a 15 year NBA career. They also say that he is a 5 time NBA Champion, a 2 time NBA All-Star, a 2 time NBA Defensive Player of the Year , a 7 time All-Defensive First Team, and a 7 time NBA rebounding champion. Dennis is a member of the NBA Hall of Fame. He is also a notable member of the ‘All-Alien’ NBA All-Star team. For reasons that should be readily obvious to onlookers near, and far.

Power Forward/Center: Pau Gasol / 2001 – 

Pao Gasol

When it comes to basketball, Pau Gasol is the pride and joy of Barcelona, Spain. That’s for basketball, not beauty. His career has been an accomplished one with 2 NBA Championship Titles, and  6 NBA All-Star appearances to his credit. By all accounts, he is a fine gentleman with a nice demeanor. That’s a very good thing he’s got going for him.

Power Forward/Center: D.J. Mbenga / 2004 – 2011

mbenga

D.J. Mbenga is another foreign born (Planet Earth) player of Belgian-Congolese descent. He went undrafted in the 2002 draft but managed to play in the NBA until 2011. Just goes to show that a 7 footer will always find a roster spot in the NBA, at least for a quick minute. We could point out that he looks like one of those ancient ‘Easter Island’ statues , but that would be piling on, wouldn’t it?

Center: Anthony Davis / 2012 – 

A davis 2

Anthony Davis was the number 1 overall pick in the NBA draft of 2012. The New Orleans Pelicans (worst name ever, btw) have one of the last true skilled big men currently producing in the league. He puts up big numbers on occasion, and he sends back opponents shots frequently. His aesthetic make-up is unusual to say the least, but if he fulfills his vast potential, it’s likely that nobody will care. In fact, he’ll be seen as ‘cute’.

Center: Yao Ming / 2002 – 2011

Houston Rockets v Los Angeles Lakers

It is more likely than not, that Yao Ming has alway stood out, and in his case over the crowd. He’s been a great ambassador for the game of basketball in the far east, and that is a very good thing. So what if he has a head that looks like an alien? Be careful not to mention that to him as he is a 7 foot 6 inch man who weighs over 300 pounds. He might step on you. Besides, the rumor is that he is just average size on his home planet.

Center: Gheorghe Muresan / 1993 – 2000 

Gheorghe Muresan  Game Portrait

Remember Gheorghe Muresan? We do. At 7 feet 7 inches tall he is difficult to forget. In fact, the Romanian born center is one of the two tallest players in the history of the NBA. The other being Manute Bol. Now that I think of it, Manute Bol arguably could have made this team. However, we had a big man heavy roster. Just look at that mug! You like?